A Marriage Made in Heaven
Mr Camel and Miss Dromedary were married
And in time a baby was due.
Said Mrs Camel to her beloved
'Would you prefer one hump or two?'
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating a Big Mac and fries
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
'Yuck', it said, 'I prefer flies'.
Eat, Drink and Be Messy
Once, upon a thyme leaf,
There lived a lazy snail,
Who munched and dozed, and dozed and munched,
On thyme he breakfasted and lunched,
And when it came to half past nine,
He chose once more to dine on thyme.
Later, upon the thyme leaf,
Was a rather plumper snail.
But, reader dear, his life was brief,
For this is no fairy tale.
He ate more and more, and grew fatter and fatter
Until one day he exploded, bang, splat, splatter.
One minute he was there,
The next he'd gone.
The coroner's verdict
'A snail thyme bomb'.
You mustn't be fooled by their features.
They look sweet, and kind, and gentle,
Some would say quite ornamental,
But they're really scary creatures.
'Come here and have a great big hug'
She squeezes me 'til I can't speak,
Then kisses me upon the cheek,
Saliva, lipstick, perfume ugh!
It's Christmas time I really fear.
It’s just the same year after year,
As I unwrap my worst nightmare,
A set of knitted underwear.
So this year I thought I'd treat her
To a gift which she could treasure
And would give me equal pleasure.
I've bought a Spiny Aunteater.
If a dog from Dalmatia,
Is called a Dalmatian,
And one from The Alsace,
Is called an Alsatian
Why does Li Wong,
Who comes from Hong Kong,
Call his dog
Char Sui Chow Mein?
A Knotty Problem
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
Two by Two
The animals went in two by two.
A couple of hippos, a pair of gnu,
Two spectacled bears from Lima, Peru
And even, it's said, a push-me-pull-you.
But, right at the back of the very long queue
Stood a herd of wild young caribou.
The bouncers looked angry, 'Hey you, Yes You'
'No stag parties allowed, so off with you, SHOO!'
The Card Sharps
A leopard and a cheetah were lying,
Playing cards in a shady glade.
Everyone though the cheetah was cheating.
'Like name, like nature', they said.
But the cheetah was never spotted
(though the leopard most certainly was).
Kobe Or Not Kobe
If I were a Kobe cow
Fed on litres of lager
And given daily massages
I think I'd still rather
Not end up as sausages.
Some think the
I've a cobra that does calculus
And an anaconda that loves algebra
I've a grass snake that does geometry
And a python that adores pythagoras
So it's just my luck to waste 10 bucks
On a puff adder that's masthmatic.
When I took my zebra to Tesco
It got scanned by mistake at the till
How I wish I'd discovered the error
Before I'd settled the bill...